The Fanfictioniest Crossover Ever Starring The Order of The Phoenix
by Mr. Cobrah Thunderer
Summary: Tonks, Remus Lupin, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Sirius Black, and Mad-Eye Moody get stranded in five alternate universes, and have to figure out what the hell is going on, teaming up with the greatest heroes of those universes to stop the greatest villains. Love Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, DC Comics, and Futurama like me? You'll love this one, trust me.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Just go with it. First person to figure out who is where gets my everlasting approval and respect.

 **Chapter I: Tonks**

Tonks groaned, finally waking up. Her entire body ached, but for the life of her couldn't remember why.

 _Think back,_ the young Auror thought to herself, wincing a little as her hand groped over her body to peel her t-shirt up a bit to discover bandages had been placed over her torso. Her eyes didn't seem to be able to move. Most likely leftover sleep paralysis.

 _I've probably been confunded. I remember we were having a fight with… Death Eaters. Something about an "Amulet of Convenience." Mad-Eye fired a jinx at Lucius, it hit that stupid amulet then I found myself here. But where the hell am I? And why am I injured? I don't remember getting hurt during the fight..._

Drip. Drip. Drip. It was raining outside. From what she could see through the crack of her eyelids, it was night time. Now that she thought about it, she actually was pretty toasty under the covers. The fight _must_ have been a dream, Tonks reasoned, breathing a sigh of relief. This place felt an awful lot like home, it must be her parent's house. She heard footsteps approaching, a woman's concerned voice speaking to a man. Then, the sound of a door opening.

"Mum? That you?" Tonks asked.

"There, now." the woman whispered, as though she would wake Tonks. "Just relax. You've been asleep for almost nine hours now."

"Ugh...what a horrible nightmare." Tonks sighed. She felt a warm cloth being pressed to her head by the woman. It felt good, really helped with the migraine "Had a dream I went...back in time or something. It was terrible."

"Well," the woman said cheerfully, "You're safe and sound now in good old 1975."

 _Good to know I was just being para-_

"1975?" Tonks cried out, her eyes shooting straight open, sitting up straight immediately. She immediately recognized her surroundings, having been there a fair amount of times in her day. It was the hospital wing. The woman Tonks had known was strict and proper, but the Madam Pomfrey of 1975 wore tie-dye clothes under her apron, frayed jeans, wore sandals, and had sunglasses with smiley faces tucked into the pocket of her apron.

"You - you - you're Madam Pomfrey!" Tonks gasped.

Madam Pomfrey raised her eyebrow, not critically as she usually did .

" _Madam?_ You must be mistaken, sister," Madam Pomfrey said. "I'm just a healer in training, man."

It was at this moment Tonks decided to use one of her Father's favorite (and one of her Mother's least favorite) phrases whenever things got out of hand, with no regard whatsoever to the fact she was currently housed in a school full of eleven-year-olds.

"WHAT THE FU-"

 **To be Continued! Please** _ **Review**_ **and Give Me Your Theories As To Who Goes Where. ;0**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter II: Remus**

 _Vuuuuummmmmmmmm hhmmmmmmmmmmmmm vuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm_

Remus was awoken by a strange humming, ethereal sound. He immediately jumped out of bed, only to see in the mirror that he was almost entirely naked.

 _Ok, I'm on a boat… I'm in my underwear… and I have what Sirius likes to refer to as a "slow-dance chubby." Ugh, where he comes up with these things I'll never understand. What am I missing here exactly?_

Rushing his clothes on, and wincing at the light, Remus took in his environment. He was on a boat, probably a cargo ship judging by the quality of his cabin. And the ship didn't appear to be moving, so perhaps they hadn't left yet.

Remus' brow furrowed in concentration. He could almost put his finger on where he was, as though it were a dream long forgotten. Attaching his belt buckle and straightening his bowtie, he opened his cabin window and took a look out the window, breathing in the salty scent of the ocean.

The ship was out at sea with no land in sight, so why had they stopped? Than, Remus saw them as his eyes finally adjusted to the light. A fleet of submarines, spread out around the ship in a circle.

 _Best to go see if the others are around. Maybe they'll have an explanation for what's happening._

Yawning hugely, Remus strode out onto the deck and took a good look around. All around, crewmen were yelling and pointing at the submarines, affording Remus the occasional curious expression for wearing a suit and brandishing a funny little stick. There was a symbol on each side of the submarines that Remus couldn't quite make out.

" _Accio binoculars!"_ Remus whispered. At once, a pair came whooshing into his hands, and his heart nearly stopped as he saw the imposing red and black symbol of the swastika painted onto the submarines.

"Nazis?!" Remus exclaimed, nearly dropping the binoculars in surprise. _I must have been sent onto the past somehow, and landed on this Muggle boat._

"Nazis?" one of the crew members parroted, rushing off to a phone line on the ship. "Better tell the captain!"

With that Remus rushed up the stairs as fast as he could to the poop deck, relieved to discover a familiar face speaking with his first mate.

"KINGSLEY!" Remus gasped, holding the stitch in his chest. "Merlin's beard, it's good to see you! Where are the others, where are we?"

At the sound of Remus' panting, Kingsley turned around and faced his old friend, a look of annoyed confusion on his face.

"Kingsley?" The man asked, smirking a little despite the state of things.

"Wait, that can't be right… Kingsley must be - you look just like-" Remus began

"Tsk, tsk. Look around, fancy pants, there's no King on this boat, my friend. However, closest thing to that would be me. Name's Katanga. _Captain_ Katanga, to you, of course. As for where you are, you're currently standing in the pride of Liberia, _The Bantu Wind_. Now, my turn to ask a question: who are you supposed to be?"

"Romulus." Remus fibbed quickly. He could swear he had heard the name Katanga somewhere before. "Romulus Howell, sir."

" _Howl?_ Did I hear you correctly? Ha!" Captain Katanga roared, genially slapping Remus on the back and laughing. The first mate soon joined in, although his eyes betrayed his confusion as to why they were laughing.

"What a name… you some kind of wolf or something?" Captain Katanga chuckled.

"You have no idea, sir." Remus smiled weakly. Upon closer inspection, Remus realized that while Captain Katanga greatly resembled his Auror friend, there were subtle differences.

For instance, Kingsley was muscular, whereas Katanga was skinny. And while Kingsley was usually found wearing either black suits or purple and blue robes celebrating his West African heritage topped off with his favorite kufi of the same color, Captain Katanga wore a simple sailor's hat with a white turtleneck. And most importantly, Kingsley's voice was deep, soothing, and mysterious, whereas Captain Katanga was more gregarious and soft-spoken, his accent far heavier.

"Hmmmmm, that's funny, I'd have remembered if someone with your name was on my ship." Captain Katanga frowned, examining Remus critically now, his first mate reaching onto his belt to pull out his gun. "You one of those goose-stepping pretty boys, sent here to kill me? Because I have to warn you; try anything and I give you another scar to match the others..."

"Oh - oh no - of course not, I hate those guys as much as anyone. I-"

But before Remus could come up with a half-decent excuse, thundering footsteps and shouts from the crew members caused Captain Katanga to forgo the line of questioning in favor of protecting his crew. Nazi soldiers burst into the poop deck, guns trained on the three. Captain Katanga put on his winningest grin and put his arms up calmly, nodding his head for Remus and his first mate to do the same.

"Easy, boys, easy, no need to fuss… Got nothin' to hide… Carry those boxes for me, will you, Mr. Howl, our guests will want to go through our records, might as well make yourself useful… No need to push, I'm going already…"

Lugging the boxes down the steps, Remus puzzled as to why all of this seemed familiar. Suddenly, he caught sight of a rectangular crate being lowered into the Nazi sub by the side of the ship and Remus realized exactly where (and when) he was.

 _Katanga…. Nazi subs… That crate… OH MY GOD… I'M IN MY FAVORITE MOVIE!_ Remus grinned from ear to ear, almost dropping his box as he did.

 _But if Katanga is who he says he is,_ Remus thought to himself worriedly, _Then where is the real Kingsley?_

Thank You For Reading and _**Puh-Leeze**_ Review!


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